Monday, February 28, 2005

Me again


Scrunch-dried my hair today, just put gel in it, and blowdried it upside down with a diffuser, and then scrunched it a bit with some hairspray. Wavy hair with very little work... and I have found a good gel for doing this,... professional stuff of course... Quantum Micro-V FIX gel, maximum hold. The picture may look a little bizarre because I am the one holding the camera, but it's not too bad...

Oh, and hey, look at that, I've got a chin in this picture, not like some of the other pictures I've posted of me recently... how nice to have a somewhat pointy chin again instead of just a round face...Posted by Hello

Clubs... (eyes rolling)

Had a busy weekend...

Rose Anne came on Friday from Sherbooke. Friday night we watched a movie, went to bed late. We were up fairly early, went to part of conference on English-speaking Québec, came home, I permed her hair, we went out for supper with a friend of hers, met up with Cecil and Jane for some drinks afterwards and then went dancing at the Salsathèque in Montreal. We came home at 2:30 in the morning and were up early again. Went to mass with the kids, then we all piled into the car again to go eat with Cecil and Jane at a restaurant in Montreal and then we went to see Nicaise and Mami. Came home, ate supper and then Jean-Alexandre and I drove Rose Anne home to Sherbrooke. Got in at 11:30 last night. Was up at 7:00 this morning... am burning the candle at both ends... must stop...

We did not enjoy the dancing much... why are are all clubs the same? Not enough room to dance properly without bumping into people (we were jammed tight like sardines in can most of the time, rubbing butts with the people behind us...) Plus we did get asked to dance but with guys who wanted to dance a little TOO close... I wanted to DANCE!!! Not rub myself against someone!! Don't think I'll be going back... Rose Anne said we should just get a group together, rent a hall somewhere and have our own dance, that would be better...

Apart from that it was an enjoyable weekend.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Elizabeth Leseur - May 25, 1904

"No relief, no glimmer of joy on the horizon."

How often have I thought this same thing recently? Finally, a person (albeit dead, although not gone) who understands exactly how I feel...

Actually, the ground seems to be rising recently, I seem to have hit some rolling country out here on the prairies, and it is doing good to be going up some instead of always in some valley or on level ground at best.

I had a client today for a haircut and tommorrow I have another one, and I also met with a distributor for products, and had a bit of a crazy day, but I am so glad I had a crazy day, I love crazy days, I love feeling busy and having things to do and people to meet.

Thoughts on Elizabeth Leseur's diary...

I have started reading "The Secret Diary of Elizabeth Leseur" and have just come across this passage, which I could have written myself, so well does it describe how I feel.

"It is a great and double affliction that I offer: my life and the great solitude of my soul, so different from what I would have wished. To be always with dear ones or friends to whom one can never open one's heart even for an instant, to whom one can never reveal anything of one's inmost being, is an intense grief. Jesus Christ must have known it, He who had so much to give of himself and who endured painful rebuffs and reverses besides which the ones I sometimes suffer are nothing."

So different from what I too would have wished. I always saw myself marrying someone else who also had faith. How DO we end up marrying people with no faith? Perhaps there is a reason why we are so ignorantly ready to spend our lives with persons with whom we cannot even share who we truly are. If we knew the truth, of the suffering and isolation we would go through, we would never do it. And these souls would not be won.

Elizabeth Leseur's husband eventually converted, after her death, and St Monica's husband also converted as did St Rita's. Who is to say that mine will not? In a previous entry she hopes that one day she will be able to live the deep sharing with her husband. Apparently, at the end of her life, she knew that it would never happen, and being quite sick she offered her sickness and death up for her husband and was convinced that he would convert following her death. St Monica and St Rita both outlived their husbands, but their husbands only converted on their deathbeds and so they never had that deep sharing either. Which leads me to believe that it is unlikely that I will ever have that either. Although they are only three examples, I have yet to find an example where the faith of one leads another to conversion before either of them die.

This means I must be condemned to living isolated from my husband for the rest of the time we have together, (or perhaps asked to offer it up would be a better way to put it?)

I do offer up my feelings of isolation, and as well I offer up certain household tasks but not nearly as much as I should. I have the double suffering of knowing now that I might have had a husband with whom I could have shared my soul had there not been confusion and misunderstanding and sin on both our parts. This too I must offer up although it seems to be the hardest to give up. It is hard not to regret such a thing.

I must pray, pray, pray.

She continues writing: "And yet through all these trials and in spite of the lack of interior joy, there is in my soul some central place, which all these waves of sorrow cannot reach. In this place is hidden all my inner life; there I can feel how completely united I am to God, and I regain strength and serinity in the heart of Christ. My God, give health and happiness to those I love, and give us all true light and charity."

My island... where waves of sorrow may wash up onto the beach but reach no further... when I go there, my suffering stays behind. It has never seemed to me a religious place, but perhaps it is after all... that central place where nothing can touch me. My brother wrote me a card on his wedding day. How strange and delightful to receive a card from my brother on HIS wedding day, when I should have been writing HIM a card! He gave me a compliment, he said he admired my "resilient cheerfulness." What a compliment! I do not always feel cheerful, and I am sure that I do not always act cheerful either, but still I appreciate the compliment, and I think that if I am sometimes able to find the force to be cheerful or to even joke about my suffering it is because I am able to go to that place in me, my desert island, and find some kind of strength.

How dear to me are my Gypsy Queen and my Aquaman who come to visit me on my island every once in awhile. Gypsy Queen who seems to be always there to listen even though she might not always agree with my beliefs, and Aquaman who is there to lift my spirits and dance a virtual dance with me, and send me virtual flowers.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Coucoumelle's New Clothes...

(Just as invisible as the Emperor's new clothes)

I need new clothes, if anyone wants to come shopping with me... Ha ha... virtual shopping that is, because I have no money to do real shopping, but I do need clothes. Want to know why?

NUMBER ONE REASON: I have lost almost 20 pounds since last November and my pants are falling off me!! YES!!! MY PANTS ARE FALLING OFF!! (ear-splitting grin)

NUMBER TWO REASON: Most of my jeans are either worn out in the crotch or in the knees anyway... and I have put patches on them, but still, they are worn out...

Yes, I am walking around wearing worn out, too large jeans... and probably will be for awhile... But I can always IMAGINE that I am buying myself something can't I?

Went shopping, feel great... hee hee

Went to a store that sells professional products for hairdressers this afternoon. I finally gave myself a kick in the butt to go,... I really needed hairspray, but I also need a whole colouring kit for permanent colour. So I went to the place, and after driving by 3 times, finally found it,... now that I know where it is, it won't be hard to find the next time I need something, but there is a distributor who comes around here, so they are going to give him my name and he will come to see me here. I will get my colouring kit from him. There is a promotion right now that gives me the whole permanent colour starter kit plus one whole semi-permanent colour starter kit free. Cool! But still expensive... Hope it is worth it in the long run...

It was actually really nice to talk about hairdressing again. And to feel that I was getting into it. And to get information on where to find stuff, and to have a distributor coming to see me, and... oufff, I'm feeling pretty good about this... he he... Plus there is a hair show happening at the Palais des Congres in Montreal soon, so I think I will try to go to that, tickets are $45.

I have hair spray now, and shampoo and conditioner too so I feel a little more prepared to greet clients, although I don't have a chair for my sink, and probably won't have one for awhile. I think I'll have to try to get one second-hand, and we'll have to do something to adjust the height of it because my sink is quite high here. If only I could get my curtains up now,...

Monday, February 21, 2005

Low

(Circa 1996)

Everyone gets high
I just get low
Nobody knows me here
Not even myself
A stranger in a world
Created by myself
It's too late
The sun is sinking
And I can't see in the dark.

I wonder... (from Juana la Cubana)

Aquaman is sick, and I sit on the beach on my island and listen to the surf and I wonder how much longer does he have and will we have that last dance?

The Gypsy Queen has appeared again and we shall be dining together, and perhaps dancing afterwards? I do appreciate the Gypsy Queen, she knows how to listen, she doesn't judge or tell you what to do, or how you should or should not feel, she just listens. Everyone needs a Gypsy Queen in their life.

Sometimes, I wonder, how did I get here from there? I think I took a wrong turn somewhere. I went west when I should have gone south. For awhile there were hills to climb, but then I hit the prairies and there have only been prairies since. But who is to say that the southern road would have been better?

I sit here on my island and I wonder...

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Of dancing and other things

So I went out finally today and got two of those spiral notebooks, that should last me a little while. I sat at the kitchen table and wrote. Amazing how inspired one can be when one really has nothing to say and noone will be reading it anyway,... ha ha. But I do it just for me... DH wanted to know it I were writing a bunch of really nice stuff destined for him (read sarcasm in there) I said no, none of it was destined for him...

So on Saturday, I just may be going with the Rose Anne and a friend of hers out to supper at an Indian Restaurant, and then maybe for dancing afterwards...?! Woo hoo!!

I am sitting here listening to music while typing here, and Jean-Alexandre is reading a book beside me. Gabriel insists on sitting on my lap. We got up and danced for a bit, and now I am back... We do a lot of listening to music and dancing here. I am hoping that when Jean-Alexandre gets a little older he will take salsa lessons with me and then I can dance with him... DH hates to dance and refused to take lessons with me, the best I can get out of him is a slow dance.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Out of the Canyon...

Feeling not too bad today...

I'm a bit bored right now, as Dh has left with the three oldest to go to play volleyball. Actually, DH plays volleyball while the other run around on the sidelines, then they all go to MacDonald's for some pop. This all takes at least three hours or more, so I have been alone for the last three hours or so, since Gabriel is asleep, and the funny thing is, when you're a mother you dream of having time to yourself, but when it finally happens, you don't know what to do with yourself anymore... I should be cleaning up a storm, I did do some of that, then I sat down and read the first few chapters of a book, and now here at the computer again.

Dh said he would rent a movie again tonight. I wonder which one he will come home with tonight? Yesterday we watched The Day After, not a bad movie, although I am sure that the weather thing is a little exaggerated...

I need to find myself a notebook again, so that I can just bring it wherever I want and write in it. Sometimes I get the urge to sit at the kitchen table and write,... not type, write, in my own handwriting, the things that I feel. Then maybe I wouldn't be down here, sitting in a cold office, away from everyone so much. Sometimes I come on here only to write to myself in my personal journal. But I think I would rather have a paper journal than an electronic one. I must go shopping tommorrow for something nice and easy to write in, not one that you have to hold open with one hand while you write with the other, a spiral notebook, one you can fold backwards so it takes up less room...

Friday, February 18, 2005

The Lost Island (from Juana la Cubana)

I live in a metaphorical world. I am Juana la Cubana of the Lost Island, where everything has a hidden meaning.

I used to be the woman lost in the infinite space of a grain of salt, but that was a long time ago, before I knew Aquaman. Aquaman comes to visit me on my island and accepts to dance with me even though he says he dances like a log, or a piece of wood. I used to talk to the Man-Who-Eats-Pencils back in the infinite space of a grain of salt, but I no longer go there, and the Man-Who-Eats-Pencils has died of lead poisoning.

There are trees on my island, there are mountains too, that I like to climb, and I can see the entire island from the highest point. There are a few valleys, but they are small and far apart, mostly I roam at sea level and I dance in the rain with Aquaman, when he comes. We dance salsa and then we jump around like Brazilians. I also sit in the shade of the Coconut tree and talk for hours with the Gypsy Queen.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Jane's Dress...

For those of who you who love Jane's wedding dress... just thought that I would mention that SHE MADE IT HERSELF!! In the pictures I posted we see mostly the overskirt part that she wore in the church because it was cold out (being winter and all) but underneath was an extremely beautiful sleeveless dress... I hope to have some pictures of that too, to post them. I do have one where she is dancing with Cecil but it is so dark and hazy, it isn't a good picture.

Here is that bad picture, it is far away and dark, but you get the general idea...
dress

More or less back to normal...

Things seem to be back to normal again. Most likely because I have finally put 200 flyers into 200 mailboxes and am now offically open for business. That seems to have put DH back into a good mood. I'm glad at least one of us is feeling better.

I, on the other hand have resolved nothing,... still feeling like I am useless and lazy and well,... like a horrible person. I was feeling rather depressed this morning, but I took a break and read a book and that seems to have taken my mind off things somewhat, so I am feeling a bit better now.

Ups and Downs (from Juana la Cubana)

There are ups and downs in life, but why does it feel like there are never any ups in mine? I am either at sea level or down in a valley,... (mind you, normally, I like valleys) but there are no mountains in my life. I feel like scaling a mountain. I want to dance in an alpine meadow, I want to feel the wind blowing hard on my face and discover the tiny stunted flowers...

It is like being out on the prairies, on level ground for long periods of time with occasional dips into canyons that have been eaten out of the sedimentary rock over time by rivers. My life seems to be one long level period with occasional dips into canyons. When do I get to the mountains? I am tired of the prairies. There are no trees here...

Well, at least sea-level is better than the canyon... Maybe I should quit walking through life and hop on a train somewhere, and close my eyes only to wake up when I reach the mountains... Sounds like a plan.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Faded

Feeling a little faded today, hence the colour... 

Just cleaned up the salon/computer room this morning, plus the passage way downstairs, it should be acceptable for any clients that may want to come through my doors. I sent out 200 flyers yesterday, but I am going to have to work on publicity for a while before I get anything that ressembles a clientele. Plus I think that next time I will try to get Canada Post to deliver them if it doesn't cost too much because I don't have acces to all the mail boxes...

DH left me a letter yesterday, to tell me how he feels that I don't care about how stressed out he is and I don't want to help, in fact I have refused to do anything to help bring in money, and I am hindering the process, and whatever... So I am not feeling very happy right now, but hey, we are getting used to not feeling happy now, we can live with it can we not?

Must think of happier things...

Don't know that I'll be organizing an outing to the Cabane à Sucre (Sugar Hut) after all... I'll have to see how things go... Wait, that is NOT a happy thought, must... think... happy... thoughts...

It is snowing outside and... no, those are not happy thoughts, not sad thoughts either but definitely not happy thoughts...

My wedding anniversary is coming up, if anyone wants to celebrate that with me,... (last year we didn't do anything, except I made a nice dinner, this year, we probably won't even eat together since DH only gets home after 8 pm.)

Ok, don't know how happy that was...

I have really excellent friends and family and I should be happy and grateful for that,... in fact if I didn't have down times, I would not know just how wonderful they are,... and I thank them...

Monday, February 14, 2005

My dirty, over crowded house...

Didn't do much today,... at least I don't think so... I spent a good part of the morning on the computer... I hate myself for it... I am a bad, bad mother....

My house is dirty and full of junk and I know it and I am sick of it, but there is just too much of it... Actually, it is getting better, I just got rid of two boxes that have been sitting in the dining room for ages. I hung a few pictures on the wall. I have not been motivated to do any decorating or cleaning or anything in ages. Especially decorating. For some reason I have lost all interest in decorating this confounded house. I wish I could just go through the whole house and throw half the stuff out and then clean it up. I wish there was someone who could do this with me, someone with whom it would be a pleasure to work, someone with whom I would have fun doing this. Even decorating seems like a chore now. Who would have thought we'd hear those words coming out of my mouth?

Last week I took the whole play kitchen sink to St Vincent de Paul. So that leaves us with much more room in the passage downstairs. I still need to go through old bedsheets and things and get rid of some of those too, the problem is, a lot of them are Marc's and he doesn't want to part with them even though he hasn't used them in over 10 years. They are just sitting in boxes taking up space we don't have. It is so frustrating to not be able to throw anything out. It is hard enough to keep the house clean without having to get around boxes and piles of things sitting in the way... I am so sick of living like this that I am no longer even motivated to do anything about it anymore...

I got the boys and Maryssa to clean up some stuff today, the boys cleaned their room but Maryssa is still in hers, doing nothing. She just sits there and refuses to do anything. So she is not coming out and she is not eating until she has done at least some of it. I hate it when she does that.

Looks like we will be going to a Cabane à sucre on March 12...

So,... feeling down, trapped, unmotivated, and guilty today... what a lovely combination...

When was the last time I felt like this on a regular basis? Well, minus feeling trapped,.... that's a new one for me... Been awhile...

The dress I made for Halloween


Shieldmaiden of St-Jean-sur-Richelieu Posted by Hello

OK, so it's a daggar, not a sword and the angle is off,... and I don't have long hair, and it's not even a great picture of me,... but you get the general idea...

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Happiness

I liked this, it was a quote at the end of an e-mail I just recieved:

Happiness comes through doors you didn't know you left open.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Spring Cleaning

It's not quite spring yet, but I got rid of a few things that were just taking up space in our house... the kitchen play set that noone plays with along with the dishes and plastic food, a high chair and some baby toys... and other things. Unbelievable how good that can make a person feel to get rid of stuff... oooufff!!! I am going to have to do this more often...

Cleaning house is almost as therapeutic as cleaning your soul...

I could use some soul-cleaning...

Made milanesa today with chicken, the kids love it... (breaded meat is all it is) I don't have to force-feed them when I make that...

I think I am going to organize a Sugar Hut outing, it's almost Maple sugar season!! My cousin Eric is interested and so is Rose Anne, so I will have to talk to a few more people and see who would come... I am sure Hugo would come as well. It will be nice to have something to look forward to and to plan... I haven't planned anything since that Hallowe'en party that hardly anyone came to...

Monday, February 07, 2005

My brother got married January 29th!!!

Bride and Groom
Cecil and Jane
Cecil and Jane,
January 27, 2005 in Saint Patrick's Basilica
The wedding party

Sunday, February 06, 2005

From Hi5 - February 6, 2004

Spring is already in the air!!

The sap is probably about to start running in the trees if it hasn't already started... more specifically, the sugar maples... so maybe we will be heading out the sugar hut way and eating lots of maple syrop and toffee...

It is rather early yet, but we HAVE been having a warm spell. I expect that it'll get cold again soon, we just came out of a cold spell, January was quite cold, for at least three weeks there, we had between -15 and -25 every day. But this past week has been quite warm, right around the freezing mark or just above.

Today I went out and played like a little kid on the pond in front of our house. I cleared off the snow and Maryssa and I ran across and slid on our feet... great fun,... we were outside at least an hour, and just in sweaters too...

I am sooooooo looking forward to spring again and getting back outside...

Today I wanted to walk and walk and walk... if I had had someone to walk with I would have gone on a long hike... ahh the days of my youth in Moose Factory, when on a day like today I would have packed a lunch with Cecil or someone else, and hiked a km or two across the river to one of the other islands (uninhabited) and started a fire in the bush, eaten lunch, fooled around, and then walked back home... those were the days,... what memories...

My own kids are growing up with waaay too much TV and computer... that doesn't make for good stories to tell your grandchildren when you get old...

Jean-Alexandre always loves it when Uncle Cecil comes over and we start talking about what we used to do when we were kids,... building forts in the snow, (practically risking suffocation too when one caved in on us :) ) going hiking, canoing, swimming in the river,... all sorts of things...

There is a reason for everything

... I have to believe this, that there is a reason for the way things turned out in my life... God has a plan for me... He wants to use me in some way, if I am here, in this particular place, with these particular people, it is because it is God's will...

If I do not believe this.... I cannot accept how things turned out in my life,... I just don't think I can handle it...

I must have faith, and hope...

But it is so hard to keep hoping... it is hard to keep on going like everything is the same... it is hard to keep on loving and caring... hard to be cheerful... well, not all that hard... but it is hard to not be thinking of how I would like my life to be,... instead...