Saturday, November 27, 2004

From Hi5 - November 27, 2004

Can't sleep again tonight. I am a prisoner of my own thoughts. I must really put an end to all this wondering. The irony is, the things I wonder about won't make a difference in my life, I mean, they won't change my situation any. The reality is, in my heart, it does make a difference. And I keep on wondering... was it real? I wish I could get a straight answer. Wondering is worse than knowing...

Friday, November 26, 2004

From Hi5 - November 26, 2004

Well, things have been cleared up somewhat with DH, but I am experiencing some real lack of motivation recently. I think it is due to a number of thigs, the number one thing is, I HARDLY EVER GET OUT OF HERE (home). I mean, I do, but mostly to take my daughter to pre-school, bring her back home and/or do errands. I don't actually "meet" anyone, and I barely say much more than hello, how are you and /or thank you to anyone. Apart from caring for my kids, I don't seem to have any meaningful activities in my life. I mean, obviously caring for the kids is meaningful, but it's the adult conversation that I miss the most.

I have always been so involved, everywhere I go... teaching catechism, social justice groups, cultural groups, parish activites, school activities, sports,... I gave up playing soccer because we are having trouble just paying the bills right now, but I think just going out and doing that once a week really helped, because I don't have anything else... now I have nothing. I have tried to get involved in Development and Peace again, contacted the local group a couple of times, but either they don't have to time to get back to me, or they aren't interested... :( I have to say that getting involved in Parish life here probably wouldn't be all that fun, I don't seem to have the same mentality as they do... I think that in order to make mass more interesting for people, they are throwing out meaningful things, or if not throwing them out, doing things that make the meaningful things much less meaningful... but they don't see that...
It's not like I have nothing to do around the house, but I'm so bored out of my mind that it takes an effort to get myself going, and an effort to keep going... if there were someone visiting me, I'd be up and doing a million things, working hard and laughing and joking and talking with the person.
The Halloween party that few people came to hasn't helped either,...I worked hard on that, even while I was tired from lack of sleep (kids were sick, and I had costumes to work on, late,...) I kind of fell into an anti-climax (since there was no climax) and haven't gotten out yet... :(
Then there is DE who I found on the internet this week, after 8 YEARS of no news!!! And I asked him why he disappeared 11 years ago, and I still don't think he's being honest. I would rather have him tell me that he never meant for certain things to happen and he wanted to get on with his life, than for him to tell me stories that don't make sense to me... Then maybe I could just end that particular chapter in my life for good, and never wonder about it again!!
Would be nice...

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

From Hi5 - November 17, 2004


My Eowyn dress Posted by Hello

FEELING DISCOURAGED TODAY!!!

I want to open a hair salon in our home, nothing fancy, we don't have the money for that, all I ask is that it be clean and free of clutter, that I be able to get a permit and a business account at the bank, that I be able to accept at least mastercard and visa, (not ready for interact yet, that would cost too much, and I'd have to have a big enough clientel, and I currently have NO clientel.)

Anyway, where I am situated, you can only have a home business, you can't have a commercial building, and you can't modify the room you use too much, it has to be easily restored to it's original use.

It seems like everyone is against me though... DH doesn't understand the need for professionalism, for some reason, IMAGE is no big deal to him (image is EVERYTHING of course if you want a successful business in hairdressing, I'm not opening a mechanics shop here!!) DH figures I should just send out publicity and start up right now, no permit, by appointment only (I'd lose out on all the people who like to just walk in), and the room I want to use is full of boxes and clutter... REAL professional. He wanted me to cut his hair last night, (which didn't get done again) so I asked him to help me move some stuff downstairs so I could put the cutting chair in it's place and cut his hair down there. (I've been cutting hair with people sitting on stools and I tell you, I'm glad to at least have the cutting chair back!!! It saves me from having to bend over all the time.) So then he sarcastically said "I thought you couldn't cut hair in this place."

I explained to him that for friends and family it was okay, but I can't invite pure strangers, into a messy room like that to cut thier hair, it's unprofessional. Then he started arguing that we can't fix it up, we don't have money... (It sure takes a lot of money to unpack boxes, put things away, throw some out and maybe give some away... are we going to be hiring people to do this instead of doing it ourselves?) I told him again that I wanted a permit. The he told me he didn't want to talk about it anymore.

Then I told him that he was acting exactly the way he acted when we were trying to sell the house and who was right about that? (Me.)

So, I don't have any support from DH, and I wanted to take a course today, one of four, which gives you a formation in handling business, but I can't because I can't find a babysitter. Daycares don't take kids just once in awhile, they only want the permanent ones (minimum 3 days a week EVERY week). I finally found a place that has a list of babysitters, but most of those were teenagers (they'll be in school when I need a babysitter) and the others either weren't home, or refused. I left a message with a few and noone has called back. One of the few I actually talked to asked if it was a young child, I said no, I have four children, two at home and two more that come home from school later on. That was when she abruptly told me that she wasn't babysitting anymore, she had got work now. (But if it had been only one young child she'd still have been interested?) The other was an older lady who didn't want to babysit outside of her neighbourhood.

To even get a permit from the city, I have to first get permission from the Association for the protection of Agricultural land because I am living in an agricultrual area, that takes a minimum of 4 months to process and costs just over $200 dollars. I would put aside a bit of my own money to cover this, but I haven't even talked about that yet to DH (he's not open to discussion).

So, do I just give up, put my kids into daycare and find work elsewhere?

I used to love Québec,... now I resent it for what it is doing to my husband,... we've been tight financially before, and he's worried, but here, it's like he feels pressure to be rich or something...

I don't know the people he works with but I'm guessing they're the type who had their token child or maximum two children (if they have any) and DECIDED to stop there, (no offence to those who COULDN'T have any more) if they have a significant other, both probably work and have good incomes, so they all probably have two cars, a big house, no money problems etc, etc,...

In Prince George, he seemed to want a fourth child, when people asked us if we were stopping at three, at first I said I didn't think we'd have any more, because I didn't think he was the type to want more. Then he started answering that I didn't want more. Which surprised me, becaue I thought HE didn't want more. So we decided to have another.

Here, he often makes comments about the size of our family, and how smart others are not to have so many, or how they weren't dumb enough to have so many, (which means we were dumb) the kids cost too much, he's poor (which he is NOT! He doesn't know what poor is if he thinks we are poor!)

I said we could sit down and figure out a budget for things like food, and payments, that way I'd know what I could spend on food and other things and I wouldn't go over it. He wasn't interested, (maybe because that would mean he is poor if he has to live on a budget?) I bet our budget wouldn't even be very restrictive...

I dislike Québec, I hate its extreme liberalism, its disregard for life and religion, (more specifically the Catholic religion, it's like they are a bunch of adolescents rebelling against their parents, everyone else's parents are cool, all the other religions are cool, but not their own...), its individualism and consumerism. I hate its promotion of all sorts of things like prostitution and pornography and infidelity right in front of children... I hate the way they twist the truth and make good things look bad, and bad things look good. I feel better knowing that there are other people out there who think more like me even though we are a minority, thanks to Radio Ville-Marie, but it would be SO nice to actually meet some people in MY area who think the same way too.

Here's a picture of my dress that I made for the Halloween party that flopped this year. I'm not organizing any more parties, noone wants to come out here anyway except maybe Cecil and Rose Anne.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

From Hi5 - November 4, 2004

Maryssa - October 2004
I STILL have that horrible sore throat. At least the pressure in my ears is gone. But my neck is sore because the glands in my throat must be all swollen too. I'm not so tired today, I got some rest last night, finally, although I can't say that it was without interruption!!

Jean-Alexandre  - October 2004
I talked to Marc last night and apparently he has the same thing! (Marc is in Winnipeg until tommorrow) He didn't have a problem with his ears though, he had a bit of a fever instead. I wonder if that is what Dominic had last week? Although I'm sure he didn't have a sore throat, not that bad anyway,... he was complaining that his neck was sore just under the ears, (one of the places mine hurts now...) so maybe it was the same thing, with different symptoms or maybe it's just coincidence and in his case it is because he had an ear-ache? If he had had a throat this bad, he'd have let me know for sure... :)

I got our family pictures done at Wal-mart in October (see new profile photo) I had to get Dominic and Gabriel's pictures re-done though, because Gabriel had his eyes half-closed (couldn't see that on the screen) and It looked like he was about to sneeze, and the picture we got back of Dominic wasn't the one we chose, it was one in which he was sitting so straight it looked like someone had strapped him to a board!!

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

From Hi5 - November 3, 2004

It is now 3:11 in the morning. I couldn't sleep so I got up and made myself some herbal tea and came here to write...

The Halloween Party was a bit of a disappointment. Hardly anyone came. So I worked hard for practically nothing. We had fun anyway... but I've been really tired since the kids were sick and kept us up, and then I was working hard to get things done, and since then, I have gotten a really sore throat and that has kept me awake too...

We had another dog here from last Thursday to this Monday. I had to clean up after him a number of times, as he decided to vomit and pee on our carpet a couple of times. Tonight, I couldn't get out of that half-awake half-dreaming stage, you know when your mind keeps imagining certain things but you're not quite sleeping? I kept imagining the two dogs running around making messes on my carpets and I seemed to have no control over them, they'd be coming in and making a new mess as I was cleaning up the old one!! It must have traumatized me or something!!! I kept telling myself that the other dog was gone and that Toby was asleep in his cage, it just didn't work... So I got up to make myself some relaxing herbal tea.

I was really tired yesterday, but didn't get good rest last night, so today, at noon, I was just out of it, I went to lie down from about 12:00 to 3:30, but didn't really sleep well, kept waking up (or being woken up) so when the boys came home, I was feeling not very energetic but we went out to get some groceries anyway and I put Maryssa and Dominic to bed at about 7:30. At 9:30 I was in bed myself, but I must be too tired to get proper rest or something, because I only slept on and off for about 3 hours and then entered the half-awake/imagining dogs making messes all over the place zone...

I just wish I could get some quality sleep!

I'm just about dropping as I write, so I'm hoping that getting up will have yanked me from that most horrid state of imagination... and that I will be able to get some sleep before I have to get up and get the boys ready for school.

Buena Noche!