Thursday, September 27, 2012

Just in case...

... we were in any doubt whatsoever as to how awesome a godmother I am...

Happy baptism anniversary Claire - albeit a couple of months late.  So I am awesome, but I am late...

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

101 reasons to be happy - Reason number fifty-five


No, I'm not having one.  But when I see a pregnant woman, I think "Ooooooh... Baby!"  And when I see a mother carrying one, I think "Oooooooh... Baby!"

Babies are special.  They are perfect.  Life hasn't happened to them yet; they are a promise, they are hope for what CAN be.  I love babies.

Friday, September 21, 2012

I dreamed a dream

I had a dream when I was young.

I saw myself living a life, not quite so different from what it is on the outside, yet very different from what it is on the inside.  I had hopes and dreams for an inner, spiritual life.  I had a dream my life would be so different, not, as Fantine, from this hell I'm living, but from this desert I'm living.

I could be bitter, but there are too many bitter and hurting people on this planet.  They didn't start out bitter.  I didn't start out bitter.  Too many people think God has given up on them, or don't believe in God anymore because what did He ever do for them?

I think back to before I had any real regrets.  Who was I then?  What changed?  Why did it change?

Things changed when I made a decision to do things my way.

God did not abandon me.  I went my way.  I didn't leave him completely.  I just decided to do this one thing my way.  I made a wrong decision, and I suppose you could blame it partly on low self esteem, and low self-confidence, the result of years of being bullied, but mostly because I wanted something and I was afraid of losing it.  Even if something better might have come along.  I made a bad decision because I wanted immediate happiness and I was unable to trust that God would take care of things and make them all right.

I was happy for awhile, even though something was always missing.  But that small something that was missing grows bigger and bigger with the years, until it seems there is a bottomless chasm in my soul.

There was a time, a few years back, when regret ate my soul every day, and the longing for my life to be so different than what it was seemed overwhelming.

I could have turned my back on my life, searched for something new.  But in the end, it would have made me bitter.  Bitter people are, I think, people who have made wrong decisions, then instead of taking responsibility for it, try to flee it, looking for happiness in the wrong places.  I made some bad decisions in the past.  I realize that.  I have no one to blame but myself.  I have, with mediocre success, put that behind me.  When I look back, it is not without regret, although some day, I hope it will be, this kind of thing takes time; when I look back, I try to remember who I was, before I decided to go my own way.  I want to be that girl again, only wiser.

I do not think I will ever be truly happy in this life.  But I do not think God meant us to be truly happy here.  That is for a different place.

I am happier doing, not what I would prefer to do, but rather what I know to be right.  This is where I need to be, right now.  If my soul feels parched, perhaps it is because that communion, that connection that I so desire, is to be found in prayer, and I do not pray enough.

What is the one thing that everyone truly desires in life?  Is it not to be able to share one's soul with another?  To be able to share every dream, every desire, every thought with another?  When people are bitter or hurting, is it not when that dream; that connection with another person goes wrong?  But even more so than having that connection with another person, is not having it with God perfectly fulfilling?  I say this as much to myself as to anyone, because I forget it too.  If there is something missing in my life, perhaps it is because I have not spent enough time sharing my soul with God.

As a deer longs for a stream of cool water,
So I long for you, Oh God.
I thirst for you, the living God.
When can I go and worship in your presence?

Day and night I cry, 
And tears are my only food;
All the time my enemies ask me,
"Where is your God?"
Psalm 42:1-2

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Now that I have time again

... I finally got around to finishing that project I bought material for a whole year ago.

Up until now, I had the lace curtains and the red curtains on one curtain rod.  It worked okay, but I wanted them on separate rods with a valence over top.

The only room in the house that ISN'T cluttered.
So yesterday, I bought a double curtain rod, and finally got around to starting on sewing the valences.  I finished them today.  If only the electric heater weren't there, the curtains could be longer and it would look nicer.  Oh well.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Pumpkin Spice Latte

Pumpkin spice latte on my bistro set - coffee mat from Coucoumelle.
I know I've posted similar items already, but since it IS the season again, here it is again, the pumpkin spice latte:

1/2 cup hot milk
1/4 tsp pumpkin spice (cloves, cinnamon, allspice, ginger, nutmeg)
1/4 tsp vanilla
maple syrup (to taste)

Froth it all together and then pour into half a cup of strong coffee or espresso.  Keep back mousse on top with a spoon.  When all the liquid has been poured out, spoon the mousse over top.  Enjoy!!!

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

101 reasons to be happy - Reason number fifty-four

Apple picking in the fall :)

September 2010 - Back: Marc, Grandmaman Thérèse, Myself and Nicolas
Front: Laurianne and Julie

Sunday, September 09, 2012

Nick Pitera

Where was this guy 15 years ago when I was single and childless?  Oh right, 15 years ago I wasn't single and I wasn't childless and he was in grade school.  Oh well...

How not to fall in love with his voice and those eyes... oh those eyes with a thousand expressions that tell the story as much as the voice and words do...

If only I could sing like that.  Then the music could just stay with me.  In my head, when I hear music, it sounds like that.  Too bad I can't reproduce the sounds I hear in my head.

Now I will have to go see the Phantom of the Opera.  I've never seen it yet, although I've listened to parts of it on YouTube, but now I really must go.  I must.

"Softly, deftly, music shall caress you.
Hear it, feel it, secretly possess you.
Open up your mind,
let your fantasies unwind
in this darkness that you know you cannot fight,
the darkness of the music of the night.
Let your mind take a journey to a strange new world,
leave all thoughts of the life you knew before,
let your soul take you where you long to be."

Where I long to be...

If only it were that simple.

Where do I long to be?  Not so much in a physical place as in a spiritual place.  I want to be sharing the music.  That is so much more than simply listening to music at the same time as someone else.  Music is so much more than just chords and notes.  I want to share the words, the thoughts, the feelings.  To feel someone else's soul vibrate with the same music.  Music is outside of chords and notes.  There can be no sound and yet there is music; music only the soul can hear.