Sunday, August 20, 2017

When you lose a friend...

Grief comes in waves, like the ocean slapping up on the shore.  It hits you when you don't expect it.

I look at the photo where we are together, and sometimes all I feel is a dull ache, and other times, sadness hits me with sudden, overwhelming pain.

I am not sure why our friendship is dead, just that it is, and that you seem to want it that way. I know our friendship centered around one particular activity that you have suddenly, without warning, given up, but for me, it was more than just that activity, we talked about so many other things as well.

I am still not sure how we went from being "a team that could be the bomb" (your words, not mine) and three short days later, you stopped talking to me.  We used to talk to each other almost every day, even if it was only a few short lines.  We had projects together, we saw each other frequently.  And suddenly, overnight, without warning, you disappeared.

It hurts, like someone took a big chunk of my soul and left it gaping with nothing to fill it up with, and no stitches to close the hole with.

Had you gradually faded out of my life, it would have been so much easier, but you ripped yourself out of my life and I am left wondering why, guessing that there is more than what you are telling me, unsure whether to wait it out or forget you completely.

I go through the days with a void in my soul, I keep busy, to try to forget.  I live happy moments, I laugh, I see people I love, but always, there is the void, that gaping hole that I struggle to close and heal.

I don't understand.

My soul lies in fetal position and cries with the pain.  Little by little, it hurts a bit less... I can breathe now, I can look at the photo without the hole ripping open again.  I can remember moments with you, with fondness and not feel the wound tear, but I cannot yet feel happiness at having had that friendship because the pain of losing it is still too strong.

I do not understand.

I must let you go...