From Hi5 - November 26, 2004

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Well, things have been cleared up somewhat with DH, but I am experiencing some real lack of motivation recently. I think it is due to a number of thigs, the number one thing is, I HARDLY EVER GET OUT OF HERE (home). I mean, I do, but mostly to take my daughter to pre-school, bring her back home and/or do errands. I don't actually "meet" anyone, and I barely say much more than hello, how are you and /or thank you to anyone. Apart from caring for my kids, I don't seem to have any meaningful activities in my life. I mean, obviously caring for the kids is meaningful, but it's the adult conversation that I miss the most.

I have always been so involved, everywhere I go... teaching catechism, social justice groups, cultural groups, parish activites, school activities, sports,... I gave up playing soccer because we are having trouble just paying the bills right now, but I think just going out and doing that once a week really helped, because I don't have anything else... now I have nothing. I have tried to get involved in Development and Peace again, contacted the local group a couple of times, but either they don't have to time to get back to me, or they aren't interested... :( I have to say that getting involved in Parish life here probably wouldn't be all that fun, I don't seem to have the same mentality as they do... I think that in order to make mass more interesting for people, they are throwing out meaningful things, or if not throwing them out, doing things that make the meaningful things much less meaningful... but they don't see that...
It's not like I have nothing to do around the house, but I'm so bored out of my mind that it takes an effort to get myself going, and an effort to keep going... if there were someone visiting me, I'd be up and doing a million things, working hard and laughing and joking and talking with the person.
The Halloween party that few people came to hasn't helped either,...I worked hard on that, even while I was tired from lack of sleep (kids were sick, and I had costumes to work on, late,...) I kind of fell into an anti-climax (since there was no climax) and haven't gotten out yet... :(
Then there is DE who I found on the internet this week, after 8 YEARS of no news!!! And I asked him why he disappeared 11 years ago, and I still don't think he's being honest. I would rather have him tell me that he never meant for certain things to happen and he wanted to get on with his life, than for him to tell me stories that don't make sense to me... Then maybe I could just end that particular chapter in my life for good, and never wonder about it again!!
Would be nice...

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