Thursday, February 14, 2013

The very thin line

There truly is a very thin line between what is rape and what is not rape.

So men, when she tells you outright, that she doesn't want to have sex with you, but you grope her anyway; when she pushes your hands away, but you keep putting them back; when she doesn't get up, slap you in the face and leave, but tolerates it, because she does like you; when she stops pushing your hand away, because you are not listening anyway, because she hasn't acquired that self-assurance she needs yet, to really stand up and make you listen, and because she actually still TRUSTS you not to go any further; what do you do?

If she has stopped resisting the groping, do you decide to take it further?  Then despite further attempted resisting, when you've managed to arouse her enough that she can't resist anymore, because she'd never been aroused before and she didn't know what it was like, is that all the invitation you need to go on and finish it?  Because now her body is begging for it, while her mind is still screaming "NO!!"

Maybe it didn't happen overnight.  Maybe it took weeks, or perhaps months, and she still didn't get up, slap you in the face and leave, because she still liked you, and she'd held you off all those times before, and she thought she was an impenetrable fortress.  So you thought you'd lay siege.

What do you call that then?  A challenge?  Taking the fortress?  Break and entry? Coercion?   Sounds an awful lot like rape.  So where do we draw the line between what is rape and what is not rape?  If you are listening to your hormones instead of listening to the girl, because they are talking louder than the girl and making you delusional, that extremely thin line is easily crossed.  When a girl says she doesn't want to have sex, it's because she doesn't want to have sex, and your hormones should take the back burner.

And trust me on this, if you DO have sex with her, she will resent it for the rest of her life.  She may not realize it herself at first, because she will be mad at herself.  "Why did I trust him?"  "Why didn't I make it clear?" (She did make it clear)  "Why didn't I get up and leave?"  "How did I let myself do this?"  She will feel guilty.  She will feel used.  She may even stay in a relationship she doesn't want, just because she's already had sex and feels she owes it to you to give it a chance.

Long after you've forgotten about it, she will still be thinking about it, and she will come to the realization that it wasn't entirely her fault, that in fact, it was more your fault than hers.  And that is when she will start to resent what you did to her.  She'll wonder if you ever even loved her as a person or if you were just in love with sex.  She'll become cynical.  She'll be angry at all men in general, because this kind of thing happens too often.  She'll want to remain single because all the men she meets after you are all the same too.  She'll declare, in a low, terrible voice: "I will never trust another man again."

If you wonder why she breaks up with you and suddenly starts going through boyfriend after boyfriend, it's not because you weren't good enough in bed, it's because she feels dirty and even though what she really wants is love, what she's really getting is abuse because she doesn't think she deserves better or she doesn't think that anything better exists.  If she sticks with you, and if you wonder why, after she's had time (possibly years) to ponder all of this, she's not interested in sex anymore, it's not because she'd rather have it with someone else.  It's because she'd rather not have it at all.  Because sex has become meaningless and she feels like nothing more than a plaything.  If she moves out three years after your wedding, like Diane (in Christopher West's book, Heaven's Song) and then explodes in couples counselling: "You didn't really love me!  From the very first night I met you, you just wanted to get up my shirt!" it's because there is a deep bitterness and resentment there.

Is this what you want?  For your ex-girlfriends to resent you and men in general?  For your wife to wonder if you were ever really in love with her?  To regret what you did for the rest of your life, to never be able to quite forgive yourself, even if she eventually does forgive you?

When a girl says no, it means no.  Even if she doesn't slap you in the face and leave.  When you are either physically or mentally stronger than she is, (older than she is, with more experience, more confidence and/or more determination), and she says no, and shoves your hands away, even if eventually you do get her aroused, it is still RAPE.  It is a much subtler form of rape, but it is still a violation of her wishes.  And, I might add, if at the end of it, you roll over and seeing the look on her face you tell her "Don't worry about it, it's not your fault.  It's my fault.  I'll take the blame." with a self-satisfied look on your face, because you got what you wanted, and you're not sorry at all, you just don't want her to feel bad, know this:  It won't keep her from feeling bad, and it will just make it all the more clear who the dominant person was, and that he knew EXACTLY what he was doing.

Respect means not even trying to get it, when she says she doesn't want it.  Anything else is disrespect.  Anything else is using her, abusing her, and taking advantage of her.  End of story.