Friday, September 17, 2010

Pansy, you are my hero(ine)

Because if all this had happened to me, I probably would not have reacted the same way, nor prayed so hard.  And the end result would not have been the same.

Actually, I'm amazed.  I think the "power of prayer" has pretty much been, for the past 10-15 years, something that "happens to someone else".  I have been stuck in this rut, where I don't really believe in the power of prayer, and I will offer things up, out of duty, and I offer up my mass for the same intention weekly, and I pray from time to time for the same thing, just in case, you know, it might work, but I don't really put my heart into it, and most of the time I don't pray.

If there is one thing that has been "taken away from me" it is my spiritual life.  I used to pray, first thing when I got up in the morning, and read the bible.  Now, I get up, get the children up, and the prayer in the morning is limited to a hurried blessing as they run out the door to catch the school bus.  Then I can read the gospel of the day in my e-mail, although sometimes that doesn't get read until the afternoon, (sometimes not at all).  I used to always pray before going to bed too.  I pray every night with the children, but the prayers often become mechanical, the same thing said over and over, sometimes the intentions change, sometimes they are the same ones over and over.

There is something to be said for being able to pray without having to hide to do it.  I think wanting to avoid conflict has, in some ways, made my life harder.

I obviously need to pray a lot more than I have been doing, more earnestly, and with more faith.  I've become a rather cynical christian, and what good is a christian with no hope?