Thursday, April 10, 2008

If I had to do it all over again...

... my motto would probably be:


My ex-boyfriend, with whom I communicate from time to time, invited me to view pictures on his page on Orkut. In order to view the pictures, I had to join the darn community. So I did. In Spanish no less. There is a point to this seemingly pointless introduction, here it is:

On the personal part of the profile there was a space to fill in about "What I have learned from my previous relationships" and another about the "Perfect Mate". I hope my ex read both. I'm not shy, I wrote the truth.

What I have learned from my previous relationships? That you cannot give men any ground or they want to move in (figuratively speaking), that you have to have confidence in yourself, to believe in the validity of your dreams and know how to say NO.


The perfect mate? Unfortunately, the perfect mate does not exist, and even if he did, I am no longer single anyway. But here's a good idea of who I think the perfect mate would be: He believes in dreams, his own and mine. He has a profound Catholic faith. He makes me laugh. He listens when I talk and with him, I feel I can say anything. With him I can be completely sincere. He likes music, appreciates art and developes his soul. He likes the outdoors and sports more than television. He is responsible and available. And, if he is taller than me and stronger than me, then that is definitely a plus.

To give my husband credit, I think he fills most of the above criteria. He is definitely responsible and available. He may not be much taller than me, but he is definitely stronger, and you know, there isn't much that's more attractive to a woman like me than knowing without a doubt that the stronger person is NOT me. He definitely makes me laugh. Uncontrolably sometimes. He likes music... I'm pretty sure he believes in dreams... he enjoys some sports (the ones where he doesn't have to run too much)...

But this isn't about my husband, nor about my ex... it's about me. Hypothetical me. If I could be 18 again, but still have all the life experience of an almost 36 year old woman... I suppose this is about what I wish for my children:

I would trust no man. Men aren't wired the way women are. I didn't know this. You don't let yourself be alone with a man anywhere where he might be tempted to start something. No matter how trustworthy he might seem, no matter who or what he is. Not even if he is an ex-seminarian. Men are men, seminarian or not. Some seminarians may have good self-control, some do not. There is no point in taking chances.

I would not have sex before mariage. And here is why, my reasons why, my own, not the Church's (althought the Chruch would surely agree with me) and not anyone else's... (although other people would surely have similar reasons), these are my own reasons:

1. We are human, body and soul. Physical and spiritual. I would want it all when I have sex. All or nothing. The spiritual orgasm as well as the physical. You can't have that without knowing a person really well. You can't know a person really well until you've known them awhile and learned to trust them with who you are. You can't have the spiritual unless you DO trust them with who you are. If you are going to wait that long anyway, what's a bit more?

2. Premature sex can make you become attached to the wrong person. It can make it that much harder to leave someone who isn't right for you. Either you don't break it off, and then live only a half-relationship, or breaking up hits you even harder.

3. The only 100% guaranteed method of preventing pregnancy is STILL abstinence. Short of drastic measures like a hysterectomy. Other methods may prevent pregnancy most of the time, but not 100%. This in turn guarantees that no child has to risk growing up without ever having had a father. (excepting the premature death of said father of course)

4. I would want to know someone intimately before I had sex with them. I would want a relationship based on the amazingness of a person's personality, not on the amazingness of the sex we had. Amazing sex last only for so long. Amazing personality is forever. I would want to be with someone who, the more I discovered about them, the more amazing I thought they were. I would want a spiritual orgasm loooong before I get the physical one. Amazing premature sex gets in the way of that. You can't help it. You see the person through rose-coloured glasses.

5. If a man is capable of waiting for sex, then it must be that I really am worth something in his eyes. If he dumps me because I won't have sex, then too bad for HIM. He'll never know what he is missing.