If you are listening, I would like to talk to you about the weather we have been having. Do you remember back when I was young and I thought I would like to live in a place that had milder winters? I was wrong. I want a real winter again.
Please don't get me wrong. I do appreciate mild weather every once in awhile, but God, I don't know if you have noticed, but I have this pond in front of my house that I have been shovelling off everytime you send a big load of snow, which has been a lot recently, but I have never once yet this season been able to skate on it.
I shovelled for 2 or 3 hours just before Christmas, right before it rained, to get that dumpload off the ice just in time for it to rain. I knew it was going to rain, and I was glad, because that was going to make the uneven ice smooth, so I could skate on it. It rained, and then it was really mild, and then it froze. For one whole day.
I was looking forward to the next day, when it would be frozen enough to skate on. I rubbed my hands with glee God, and then you played a trick on me. You sent warm weather. And then snow again, before it froze. So now I had slush. And then you sent another snow storm.
It has been nice and cold the past two days God, and I thank you for this, but when I went out to shovel my pond this afternoon, I was deeply disappointed to discover all kinds of water and slush under the snow. Slush that should not have been there. I am not blaming you for this, as it is probably high water from the river backing into the pond through the pipes, or something.
I am sure that you understand that with all the effort we have put into trying to be able to use this pond again, the hours shovelling, the water Marc put on the ice pailfull by pailfull because we couldn't use the outside tap and therefore the hose was out of question,... that I am going to ask your cooperation in this.
I have heard through the grapevine that it is going to be quite mild on Sunday. God, could you make it just mild enough to melt all the footprints that are wrecking up the ice out there right now and make everything even, and then God, PLEASE could you freeze everything up for a nice long time without sending any snow? PLEASE?!
PS. Please let St Nicolas know that I appreciated the gifts this year and that next year a good idea would be an electronic agenda, the kind that gives you an electric shock about 1/2 hour before you are about to forget stuff. I'm a very forgetful person. It's not my fault God, I try to remember, but those 5 children that you sent me,... well... there are advantages and disadvantages to having five children. But I guess you would understand all about that, having more than a few hundred billion trillion yourself.