Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Pregnancy...

Ok, I am going to be really superficial here and say I am NOT looking forward to being fat again!!

I just LOST 15 pounds for goodness sakes,... finally!! I have been trying to lose it for years! And two months later, I get pregnant again... way to go... could it not have waited a few months more (years more?)

Ok, good thing is USUALLY I only ever end up with about 5 pounds extra to lose right after giving birth, and they usually disappear within a month or so. (except for that second pregnancy where I ended up with 15 pounds extra, and it wasn't even due to the pregnancy since I mis-carried after 12 weeks, which is where that 15 extra pounds comes in that I'd been trying to lose for years... oh, and the five extra after Dominic, I didn't actually lose and so when I had Maryssa, it was 10 pounds extra which made me 25 whole pounds overweight (ackkk!!), so after her, I quickly lost 5 extra, and slowly lost 5 more, and just before having Gabriel, lost 5 more... so with Gabriel, I had gained back the 5 more, lost it after a month, but on the move here to Québec gained it again, which brought me back to the same 15 pounds overweight... that was two years ago... this winter I finally lost it... and now that I am pregnant, I see my weight slowly creeping back up (which is normal of course but still...) and I keep imagining myself with 15 pounds to lose again at the end... (ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!) I would have liked to have had a couple of years with a (fairly) flat stomache, but nooooooo..... OK, superficialness done...

This will most likely be my very last kid, because I really don't think DH is going to go for NFP anymore. In fact he's been quite adamant about it. What can I do? I can't force him to do or not do anything. What he does, (contrary to what my mother seems to think "You know," (in a very concerned voice) "Marc shouldn't be getting fixed either." which kind of seemed to be hinting that I too would be in sin if he got fixed,) will only affect his OWN soul and not mine. He knows my feelings about getting fixed. I'm not going to get fixed, but I can't stop him from doing it if he is determined. Sex probably won't be same after,... but he probably won't even notice...

So, if we are counting from the first day of my last period, I would be about 15 weeks pregnant tommorrow. Since that is SO not a reliable means of figuring out how far along I am or what my due date might be,... and I figure I probably got pregnant about 3-4 weeks (and not 2 weeks) after that date, I should take off at least 2 weeks and bring it to about 13 weeks... although even that isn't reliable. Everytime I thought I figured out the possible due date for the last three children, the ultrasound predicted it for 2 or 3 weeks later. For Jean-Alexandre it was the same thing too, but I had a nincompoop for a doctor so he didn't want to even tell me if he thought the ultrasounds predicted something else, he was going with the date of my last period and that was final, no matter how long my cycle was... why didn't I dump him right away? Oh yeah, I was young and didn't know I could...

So I have gained 5 pounds and I keep wondering if this is normal for my stage or not, and am I gaining too quickly, and... ?

Speaking of Doctors, I still haven't seen one, and don't want to. I don't want to go on a "compatible doctor" search. I don't have access to a mid-wife here because of ridiculous over-regulation of mid-wives by the government, so what am I going to do? Still don't know... I feel like having the baby by myself at home just to spite them all.