Wednesday, October 17, 2012

God's Plan

Sometimes things happen and I just have to wonder why.  WHY GOD?  WHY ME? WHY NOW? Or even why-do-I-need-to-know-this-I'd-rather-remain-oblivious-I-was-happier-oblivious.

I'm going to make a wild guess here and suppose that Ruth, when she married Naomi's son, did not ever expect to be following Naomi back to Israel, as two recently widowed women.  And yet, that is exactly what happened.  Naomi's husband and both sons died, and all three of their wives were now widowed.  Ruth probably asked the same questions I've just been asking.  WHY ME?

How could she know that once in Israel, she would meet Boaz, marry him and have a son.  How could she know that this son would eventually become the grandfather of the great king David?  She didn't.  God's plan  went beyond her lifetime.

Being the wife of a non-practicing but baptized Catholic, whose mother I am told, considered becoming a nun, I imagine said mother, now in Heaven, praying for her son.  Sometimes I wonder if I am not the answer to a prayer that she has probably been praying for a very long time.  If nothing else, at least his children (hopefully) will have faith.  Or at the very least, they will have been shown the faith.

Still, even knowing that God has plans beyond our comprehension, comes the day when I find out about something I'd never really known about before and I realize - THAT right there, that is what I have always been wishing for.  That thing, that idea, that is truly my heart's desire.  AND I CAN'T HAVE IT.  I will most likely never have it.  Things will never be like THAT for me, because of this or that circumstance in my life.  I'm not talking about things here, it's not a thing I wish to possess, but rather an idea, that is truth and goodness and right - except I can't have it.

I go through months (maybe a couple of years?) of why-am-I-here-and-not-there, and why-is-my-life-all-valleys-and-never-mountain-peaks?  Then I get over it.  Things won't be like that for me, but I can live with it you know?  I'm a happy person just the same, we all have unfulfilled desires.  Life goes on.

Then BAM!! He does it to me again.  And this time it isn't just an idea, it's more like a picture of how things could be, maybe even more than that; a concrete breathing example of exactly what I would like.  Except that it is unattainable.  And WHY OH GOD WHY did you show me that?  Do you WANT me to be tempted?

Well, no.  Wrong word.  I'm not actually tempted.  I'm not going to go out and get what I want the wrong way, because ironically, if I did go out and force it - it would be ruined and I wouldn't have it after all.  And I'd likely become a bitter person and I don't want to be a bitter person.  So no, no temptation there.

God, do you WANT me to suffer?  Is that it?  Or are you just trying to tell me something?  Because it would be nice to know whatever it is that you are trying to tell me IN PLAIN ENGLISH.  (Or French - I understand that as well, or even Spanish.)

Perhaps it is my own attitude that is still wrong, and this is what you wish to purge me of?  I'm guessing I'm doing something wrong, because if I were doing something right, I might have expected some sign of hope of getting my heart's desire the right way, instead of some example of one way to get my heart's desire the wrong way.  Perhaps you wish to tell me that all I really need is YOU, and that even though this thing I so desire IS good, and true and beautiful and to be desired, YOU transcend everything else, and IN you I will be complete.

That rings more true to me than anything else I've written so far.

So be it, God, so be it.