And it's amazing
How lost inside you feel
When you look fine on the outside
You're screaming, "Someone take the wheel!"
And it's amazing
Yeah, they think you've got it all
But it might just be a pebble
That's gonna make you fall
... oh wait, I have.
If you refer to pages 151-2 of my book Be Not Afraid, this is what one of the characters, Maria, has to say:
"You seem to be feeling better." I remarked to Maria, after a bit.She regarded me intently, with the same green eyes as her sister.
"It's amazing really, how we humans can continue to live life as if nothing were wrong." She replied, "How we can walk around and do ordinary things as if we weren't torn up insisde, as if weren't regretting all the little mistakes and wrong decisions that lead us to places we don't want to be anymore, but are not free to leave."
She sighed, "I feel like I am two people. On one level, I laugh and joke and have fun. I go round the house doing all the same things I always do. Nothing seems to have changed. But deep inside, I feel so empty. I can forget for awhile, push it away, but the feeling is always there."
Erin and I were silent for awhile, wiping dishes and putting them away.
"Human capacity, human strength is amazing." I said finally, "I am always amazed at the ability we have, to do what is right, to search for the truth, to put others first, to sacrifice ourselves, to get up from a fall and to keep walking."
The above was actually originally posted here: Amazing Really, and sets the tone for a lot of the other posts from that time. (Late 2004 - early 2005) It was not a very joyful time in my life.In case you do go and read some of that stuff, (and unless you are depressed, I don't recommend it), things are much better in general.
There is still the emptiness, but it is much easier to push aside. I am no longer in mourning for the different kind of life I could possibly have had. (The kind of life for which there is no guarantee I would have had, even if I had made different decisions) The regret is gone. The ceaseless telling myself how stupid I was is gone. A lot of the conflict I was in at the time is gone. It was never resolved, but it is no longer relevant.
It made me a stronger person. I could have taken the easy way out. I didn't. I think I like myself better for it.